Mấy bài essay Task 2 IELTS nhờ các bác check lỗi giúp

[lexuscva]

Các bác giúp em cái, em mới tập viết h34r: h34r:

Responsibility for crimes lives with society not individuals.

What extend do you agree? Give reasons.
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Society has responsibility for crimes, I completely agree with this statement.Moreover, I firmly believe that criminals are absolutely influenced by their environment regardless of some people's supposition that crimes belong to individuals ‘s responsibility.In this essay, I will outline distinctly my view point.

Undoubtedly, It is impossible to refute society’s role in creating crimes.The way our parents educated us, the environment we live in, influenced directly the way we behave.Let me illustrate, a child who is born in a broken-family, growing up without education of parents would have a tendency to misbehave and lead to crimes.Another example is an individual who lives in poverty. If he would not be able to afford food and basic demands of living, it is easy to understand that they have to steal to survive.Therefore, the more a government looks after its citizen’s lives, the less criminals occur.Obviously, the crucial role of society with criminals is undeniable.

However, some people still argue that individuals partly contribute to creation of a crime.Firmly, they proposed an example of a person who is lazy, doesn’t want to work and prefer to do illegal activities because of its huge profits without working hard. In addition, they gave another example of an individual who envisages a difficult situation to decide whether to commit a crime or not, eventually they conclude that the decision of the individual in this case depends absolutely on him, not on an objective factor. I am doubtful whether they really understand the key point in this situation.The key of these situations is that environmental factors do not influence directly at the moment they make a decision but gradually their thought and their behaviour.When they face a difficult situation, their thought which has been affected gradually by society would show them how to act. By these words, i mean an individual with a good education and living in ethical community would immediately choose not to commit a crime. Differently, a person without education would become criminal in the same situation.

In the final analysis, once more time, I want to emphasise that society is crucial factor in crimes. Personally, I suppose that there is no evidence to prove individuals ‘s responsibility in this issue. Society influences directly and indirectly creation of criminals.

 

[lexuscva]

Some people argue that zoos are essential for educational purposes,others argue that it is cruel to keep animals in zoos. What is your opinion?

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Nowadays, zoos become very popular all over the world.The topical issue is the debate whether zoos are essential for education or it is unethical to keep animals in a steel cage for people to stare at them for fun.

Firstly, some people suppose zoos are ideal for children to learn about the animals, which that see on TV or photos.Obviously, we have many other solutions for kids to explore the nature. One of the best solutions is to learn from o conservation centres where animals live their wild life without affecting of humans. Compared too zoos, conservation centres definitely bring us many benefits, it not only is a place for people to observe and study or do research about the animals,but also to prevent species in danger from extinction.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that zoos make animals lose their basic instinct gradually such as hunting and breeding. Actually,animals get very difficult to breed in zoos, youngs get hard to survive. Why do I say zoos make the animals lose their natural instinct? It ls because animals in zoos are fed by zoo keepers, they don’t need to hunt; and if a young animal grows in a zoo I ensure that he would not be able to survive when he is released to wild life. Last but not least, the animals lose their freedom in a cage. Do you feel pleasant if you are kept in a prison?

In conclusion, personally, It is unacceptable for people to have zoos for fun.Some people argue that zoos are for educational purposes and to prevent in danger species from extinction.I firmly refute this because we have conservation centres to do these duties.

 

[lexuscva]

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family,friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else.Issues such as work and health take 2nd place.
Do you agree or disagree?
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I certainly agree with the statement that our relationships with others contribute as an important role for a person to achieve happiness in life.However, I wonder whether relationships or other factors are the most important reasons in success of personal happiness.Even, do reasons such as work, health,relationships, luck and personal efforts have an equal role?

In fact, personal effort is the factor we need to consider firstly. For instance,each person who wants to have a happy life always remains a thought that the must be happy and then, they would make an effort to achieve.Certainly, they would do whatever they suppose to be happy for their life by all of their ability.Obviously, nobody can achieve without an effort.

Therefore, it has undoubted fact that personal effort is important but not the only factor to reach happiness in life.For instance, with an illness or a disease suffered,it is impossible to have stuff called happiness; without health,each person could not use their ability exhaustively to do what they want.

Last but not least, relationships are reasons contribute a crucial role to encourage spirit for everybody when they lose themselves in life. Friends and family are reliable to share joys and sorrows, are the people who support us in any aspect of our life. I firmly believe that nobody could reach happiness without both friend and family.

To conclude, in my view, all these factors are equal in the contribution for happiness of anyone.Definitely, both objective and subjective factors are impartial influence on happiness.Personal happiness is a reconcilement between effort, work and relationships.

 

[lexuscva]

In some countries, marriages are arranged by the parents but in other cases people choose their own marriage partner: Discuss both system.

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Choosing a partner to have a happiness life together is one of the most important decision in a person’s life. In modern world, the popular tendency is to choose an own partner whom we love and understand clearly about. However, the weddings are arranged by parents are still remaining in some areas, especially in developing countries.

As the fact we would be able to realise easily, marriages arranged by parents are an old traditional culture. This has remained and transferred between generations.In the rural areas, people are not allowed to choose their own partner.This old attitude leads to many troubles for couples in future life.In addition, they don’t have time to understand each other,so without reconcilement, conflicts occur is easy to understand. How can a girl spend almost her life with a strange man whom she knows nothing about? The rate of violence in families increases rapidly nowadays, partly because of the marriages without love.Moreover, this kind of marriage in city have some exploited purposes such as promotion or money. It is unethical for people to use marriage as a tool to get benefits.

On the other hand, the trend which people choose their own partner became popular over the world.It is a feature of modern world when everyone prefer to think independently and decide their own life by themselves not by their parents. In that way,they have a real opportunity to have real love and happy marriages. Certainly, it is the benefit not only for their own but also to contribute for a whole happiness of community. As a consequence, the rate of divorce would definitely decline, the children would be educated by both father and mother.
In conclusion, the benefits of choosing partner is undeniable.People have right to decide for their life. Personally,I suppose the old attitude which marriages are arranged by parents will soon disappear as a consequence of social development.

 

[lexuscva]

ôi cái box English này :-@ không có ma nào vào sao

 

[ark]

Well, about the second essay ^^

Nowadays, zoos become (I think it should be "have become" or "are" :-?)very popular all over the world.The topical issue is the debate whether zoos are essential for education or it is unethical to keep animals in a steel cage for people to stare at them for fun.

Firstly, some people suppose zoos are ideal for children to learn about the animals, which that (they ???) see on TV or photos.Obviously, we have many other solutions for kids to explore the nature. One of the best solutions is to learn from o (???) conservation centres where animals live their wild life without affecting (it should be "effects") of humans(I think "Human" not "Humans",or you can say "human being"). Compared too (to ??) zoos, conservation centres definitely bring us many benefits, it not only is a place for people (It is a place for people not only to ...)to observe and (I personally think you should use a comma (,) instead) study or do research about the animals,but also to prevent species in danger (I think a proper word is "endangered") from extinction.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that zoos make animals lose their basic instinct gradually such as hunting and breeding (I suppose "lose their basic instincts such as ... gradually). Actually,animals get very difficult to breed in zoos(why dont "it is very difficult to ...), (by the way)youngs get hard to survive. Why do I say zoos make the animals lose their natural instinct? It ls because animals in zoos are fed by zoo keepers, they don’t need to hunt; and if a young animal grows in a zoo I ensure that he would not be able to survive when he is released to wild life. Last but not least, the animals lose their freedom in a cage. Do you feel pleasant if you are kept in a prison?

In conclusion, personally, It is unacceptable for people to have zoos for fun.Some people argue that zoos are for educational purposes and to prevent in danger (endangered) species from extinction.I firmly refute this because we have conservation centres to do these duties.

 

[lexuscva]

all the solutions you proposed to correct my mistakes are reasonable.

except this,I suppose it is unconvinced, could u explain why?

On the other hand, it is undeniable that zoos make animals lose their basic instinct gradually such as hunting and breeding (I suppose "lose their basic instincts such as ... gradually).

 

[Appassionata]

Anh quen đọc văn formal chỉ dám góp ý tí chút. Mở bài kết bài thì đừng có đưa thể bị động vào. Viết càng khách quan càng hiệu quả (vứt bớt I think, I believe đi...) General rule is that your personal ideas mean nothing, reasons mean everything.

Với cả đọc bài của em nhiều khi anh thấy giống viết bằng tiếng Việt dịch sang tiếng anh quá. Cảm giác cá nhân thôi, không biết người khác nghĩ sao.

 

[blue eyes]

đúng roài .Essay mà cho " I think" với cả " let me.." là kô ổn=;

 

[lexuscva]

Viết càng khách quan càng hiệu quả (vứt bớt I think, I believe đi...) General rule is that your personal ideas mean nothing, reasons mean everything.

đúng roài .Essay mà cho " I think" với cả " let me.." là kô ổn

Hai bác kiểm quyển Insight into IELTS của CAMBRIDGE phần Writing ra xem Ngay bài đầu tiên dạy writing task 2 nó đã hướng dẫn cách để expressing feelings dùng I ... thậm chí tìm hẳn mấy cái bài IELTS Writing TASK 2 band 9/9 (điểm tuyệt đối, tương đương với một native speaker viết) xem nó có dùng I không nhé
thế nó hỏi What is your opinion? rồi do you agree or disagree không đua I think với I believe vào thì nó chả gạch luôn l-) vì rõ rầng là chưa trả lời câu hỏi. Hai bác phát biểu hai câu đấy em biết là chưa thi IELTS bao giờ chắc thi TOEFL h34r: h34r:

Mở bài kết bài thì đừng có đưa thể bị động vào..

em không hiểu vì sao?:-S

Với cả đọc bài của em nhiều khi anh thấy giống viết bằng tiếng Việt dịch sang tiếng anh quá. Cảm giác cá nhân thôi, không biết người khác nghĩ sao.

thì trình còi viết được thế thôi :-?? :-?? hay ý anh nói là em kiếm bài tiếng Việt rồi dịch sang tiếng Anh rồi post lên đây =)) =))

 

[Appassionata]

Thế chú mày post bài lên đây để khoe trình tiếng anh hay để được mọi người giúp tham khảo nào.

Nếu thích học viết kiếm cuốn On writting well của William Zinsser mà đọc. Với mẫu người đầy lòng tự tôn như chú tự học là hơn.

 

[lexuscva]

anh bùôn cười nhỉ, đang tranh luận đúng sai, cái nào ang đúng thì em nghe,cái nào em cho là anh ko đúng thì em phản bác lại.giờ anh nói không có cơ sở gì thì làm sao em tíêp thu được?Tranh luận thì phải có chứng có, phải có lý lẽ
anh bảo ko nên dùng I thì em nói là trong sách họ dạy có dùng I
anh bảo không đưa thể bị động vào, em hỏi tại sao, anh không trả lời
anh góp ý kiểu ấy em chả có cơ sở gì để tiếp thu.giờ
còn cái câu anh bảo nghe như dịch từ tiếng Việt sang, đáy chỉ là personal feelings, chả có solution, chả có causes thì em không cho đấy là một lời góp ý và em trả lời anh cũng theo personal feelings.
anh lại bảo em khoe trình tiếng Anh, hờ hờ, giá mà em được tầm 8 IELTS thì em khoe ngay chứ mới lõm bõm học được vài chữ, người nào biết tiếng Anh người ta cười cho.

 

[lexuscva]

mệt quá, tại ông ark đấy, tôi đâu có muốn post bài vào cái box này ông cứ kêu tôi post vào cho xôm, giờ mang tiếng là đi khoe. thôi, nhờ ông xóa cái thread này cho tôi.đỡ này nọ. đau đầu

 

[chocomog_257]

mỏi mắt quá bác ơi @-) nếu pót 1 bài thôi em còn xem được chứ thế này thì có dành cả ngày cũng ko tiêu hóa nổi :-&
Thôi em lạy bác ^^, để lúc khác vậy >-

PS. IELTS em được 7.5 đấy nhưng mà writing mới chỉ có 6 ) hôm đấy viết thế nào suýt nữa thì offtrack, may mà còn đúng 15' quay lại edit bài điên cuồng )

 

[lexuscva]

hmy:hmy:hmy:hmy: 7.5 IELTS mà 6 writing, thế những cái kia toàn trên 8 hết à. hiz. mình có ước mơ nhỏ bé là 6.5 IELTS còn chật vật mãi. chẹp.